Friday, July 3, 2015

There are too many choices in life.....and it always seems to come down to choosing one thing you really want over another.  Its so hard to have it all!

My boss recently told me that it appears myself and this other person are both marked as potential successors to herself and the VP .  Which is both exciting and terrifying.  But already, just being mid-level management has come with quite a workload.  The amount of emails I have to wade through is at times mind boggling.  Plus there are mid year and end of year reviews - objectives that need to be met.....and basically the pressure is on to continue being good at my job even as it continues to get more challenging.  I feel ready for taking that challenge on - but its a pretty big time commitment.  I have to get busy finishing my CAIB and then move on to some business courses and there is quite a bit of overtime expected.

On the other hand.....I.....well.....I might have met someone.  And this someone could be someone really great.  But again, there is a time commitment in building something with another person.

This might be my only opportunity to really make something of my career and I really want to see what I can do.  What I'm capable of and what challenges I can meet. Its important for me that I do this because I have two teenagers going off to college and that's going to be very expensive.  Its also important that I be able to retire before 80.....also a Mercedes would be really cool...

But I also want companionship in my life and someone I can travel with and laugh with and just "be" with.  Someone to come home. And lets face it ladies, great guys....the tall, dark and funny ones - don't come along everyday.  Its important to me that I be able to do this because I have two teenagers going off to college and as independent as I am.....I could go 40+ years being single and be ok with it....I realize I'm far too good at being on my own and I need to do it now before it becomes impossible, because as good at being single as I am...I don't want to grow old alone - and that takes work and commitment to be able to build a real partnership with someone....something, until now that I've given to no one except my children.

Can I have both?  Is there a way to balance?  Will I be able to balance?  That part seems more challenging than analyzing spreadsheets and answering emails....its more challenging than learning to share a queen sized bed and allowing another person an opinion on where the forks should go....

Sunday, May 31, 2015

I had an interesting experience at work this week.  Wednesday morning I was at my desk, I've recently had an office upgrade and been moved to one with large windows that cover the back wall....windows that face the alley to the parking lot....but still....

Our training and development manager came and asked if she could look out my window....which I thought was odd because her office faces the front with a view of the actual parking lot and not just the alley....she peeked through the blinds and said "I thought I saw cops outside"  Sure enough there was an officer running past the window holding a large rifle and looking panic stricken....We said in unison "that doesn't look good".....so we walked back out to the front where a couple of co-workers had stupidly walked outside to see what was happening.....By this time about 11 police cars had screeched to a halt out front and men in full bullet proof gear jumped out....they  heard "shots fired"....and rushed back in to lock the door and we all made a beeline to the boardroom where there are no windows and the doors look from the inside....

At first, as we had no idea what was happening and if it was a shooting rampage or what - I have to admit it was nerve racking.  I texted Cecilia and my Mom and calmly told them that we were on lock down, but OK.....fortunately we have a TV in the boardroom so we waited for news updates....they were vague but it became fairly clear early on that it was a targeted shooting and that we were on lock down because they making sure the shooter was not still hiding in the building....so we started to relax a bit and even played some games with our phones.....after 3 long hours, two officers finally came in and told us that unfortunately it was now a homicide investigation and that they needed to take all our contact information and they would escort us out where we needed to find our own transportation because they needed to keep all the cars in the parking lot to make sure there was no evidence left behind.....They made it very clear that we were not to speak to the media and just say no comment.  I didn't think much about that - although there were a lot of them standing around outside.....we quietly made our way out and they stood watching us like we were prey they were hoping to pick off one by one......The next morning we were allowed back in and our boss texted us that there was still media on scene.....sure enough when I arrived on foot they were waiting....they accosted a woman going into the dental office walking ahead of me, but I escaped by keeping my head down, and marching fast trying to give off an air of "NO COMMENT".....

A few of them wandered into our office asking if anyone saw or heard anything and wanted to comment....I know they were are just doing their jobs, but it felt so invasive and gossipy.

The whole experience has left me a bit scared.....I work in a good neighbourhood so the fact that this can happen in a good suburban neighbourhood kind of destroys my sense of safety.

Anyway, its over now and hopefully I never have to experience anything like that again.  And I no longer see my office as an upgrade.....I was better off in the inner office with no windows and a desk I could hide under!

Sunday, May 24, 2015

Sometimes the answer is to be a shittier parent than you think you should be.

Not that long ago, I had parent teacher interviews for the boy who is starting high school next year.  Half of these interviews were encouraging....but the other half were not so much.....my take away from those is that he didn't have a prayer of graduating......Why not? I asked...."well he gives one sentence answers most of the time, that's not going to be good enough"....."Are these sentences usually correct?"....."about half of the time"....."so about 50 percent then?"....."yes"...."and what is a passing grade?"....."50%..but..."......"so if he learns to write more on the paper, he will get partial credit even if he isn't 100% correct in his understanding of the concept"...."usually yes"...."great, thanks for your time".

I went home and told him he needs to learn to bullshit more....."just write a bunch of stuff down, make it up if you have to".....his grades have improved since....

Then, shortly after that, we were having dinner at the food court and he was reviewing some of his concerns over this first job he applied for.....what if I have trouble with something, what if they ask me to do math?.....I told him to use his disability to his advantage....tell them you have a learning disability....they will feel like dicks for expecting you do something faster or better.....So far his job is going well and no one has asked him to do math....but they are patient when he doesn't remember his schedule, or has trouble remembering to do certain steps.

Lastly - When he was about 3, he had epilepsy very badly.  His neurologist told me that if we didn't get his seizures under some control - he was never going to progress beyond that of a three year old level......fortunately, we found a drug a year later than worked...he's been seizure free since - but it has left his brain scarred a bit and re-wired - the source of his learning challenges....up to now I've been using the tactic of telling him that things are more difficult for him and that isn't fair, but its his responsibility to kick his learning challenges in the ass.....why would I tell him what his neurologist said?....what good could that do?......but seeing his face, and how unfair it and hard it has been for him.....I finally cracked and told him what his neurologist had said......I told him, that he was a miracle and that he was beyond amazing everyday to me......he said "that just took every bad feeling, every insecurity, every time I've been called stupid and just blew that away - that totally lifted my self esteem Mom. Thanks!"....

Sometimes you gotta do what your inner shitty parent says to do and not listen to that good parent that thinks they have all the answers......fly by your seat more.....

But don't let him take Cards Against Humanity to his friends place.....the good parents out there don't like that your son is well versed in terms like "ball cheese".......not that I know this from an experience this weekend or anything.......

Tuesday, May 5, 2015

I'm not going to write a whole blah blah blah about the importance of voting on this Provincial election day.....You either vote or you don't....and besides I already had my rant about it on Facebook.  But I will say that I am very sad that I changed my vote for the first time in 34 years of voting eligibility.  But I felt I had no choice - I don't delude myself into thinking my voice was heard, but at least I didn't cast a ballot for a party I only believe in because I've always voted that way.

Or something like that - maybe it was spiteful vote......I think in reality my parents were always PC because they were entrepreneurs and had money so they liked the new taxes and conservative spending on programs they didn't need, so I just naturally was a PC without even really thinking about it.........but I've spend most of my adult years fighting to keep my head above poverty.....now that I've done that, I realize how much those programs mean to those that use them.....and that perhaps the rich should be a bit more charitable in their thinking.....Of course I realize you worked hard to make that money....I've worked hard for every penny I have too and I definitely don't want to spend my money supporting people that are capable yet don't do anything to help themselves.....but that isn't most of the people that need services.

Most people in need of services are trying the best they can....not everyone has the resources to secure a student loan and go to school.....and yes some have made poor life choices to get where they are....but I've made a few of my own poor life choices that landed me in need of services....and I'm a hard working, non-drug using, non-panhandling, working parent - so I know first hand the stigma that goes with that, and just what kind of people we are talking about and one bad apple may spoil a bunch of apples, but it doesn't always work that way with people.  While I was an apple I saw one or two bad ones, but I also saw a lot of perfectly edible ones....ok that's not the best analogy maybe....but you know what I mean.

Anyways.....go vote - but make sure you at least read your party's platform before you do so you know what exactly you are voting for, not just who or what party....

Friday, May 1, 2015

I sent the girl off to New York on Tuesday with her school choir.....she texted me an awe inspiring picture from the top of the Empire State Building that night....I think she's having a great time there.  I'm glad I could help give her that experience.  She had to get a job to pay for half of the trip and I paid the other half....she's still working at the same job even though she paid me back her half months ago.  I didn't work when I was in school - I think I missed out on a lot not having that experience of earning my own money until I got a lot older.  The boy had an interview at the movie theaters on Wednesday but we're not sure if he got that job yet.....Thursday he went to the Stampede hiring fare and got a job for the duration of Stampede - so at least he'll have an opportunity to earn some money this summer even if it isn't his dream job of watching movies for free.

They are growing up and that's really hard....I wanted to go into the interview with him and explain his answers.....kind of like when you watch a interview with some celebrity that has his lawyer sitting next to him telling him what to answer and what not to.....but that would probably not help him get the job anymore than when he answered "sleep" to what he likes to do in his spare time.








Tuesday, April 28, 2015

There is something very remarkable about 2015 so far for me.  Normally I attach a theme to my year about something I want to work on or towards.  This year I didn't do that for some reason....I think I know why now......it seems like every morning I wake up and there is something changed in my life.  Apparently I was in a rut and the Universe has decided to push me out of it.  Some of the changes I have resisted....obviously I wasn't pleased that it became time to put Bentley down....and the loss of my friend was very hard (that one will sting for awhile)....Normally I resist most changes....but this year I've found myself embracing a lot of the changes.  I think it was time to get out of my comfort zone......the interesting thing is....each day and with each change, I feel more and more like I'm being lead somewhere to some destination down the path that I can't see yet.  But it definitely feels like there is a purpose to all the changes....which is probably why so many of them I have just shrugged off and haven't hung on with the same level of attachment to sameness and familiarity that I usually do.

I think its good timing to start to embrace change more....I'm staring down the barrel of no longer having two teenagers at home.  Already I find I have a lot more alone time with them working and having social lives and doing all the things teenagers should do (except learning to drive, which would really help me out!)....All those years I cherished and wanted just a few minutes of alone time, and now I have tonnes of it.....so its probably good for me to find some ways to fill that time....so I've requested more files and am signing up for my next CAIB course, and will probably take some business courses as well.....and I might even get even further our of my comfort zone and do some traveling....I have no idea where I'm being lead, but it just feels like its towards something I don't yet know that I want....but when I get there, I'll know it.

Sunday, April 26, 2015

Recent events have got me thinking that perhaps its time to revive my blog.  A very dear friend, and fellow blogger past away last weekend suddenly and very unexpectedly.  Its made me realize that when you love to do something - you should do it.  Yes, I have many other things going on in my life and finding the time for writing is hard.  I don't get paid for it, very few people read it, it doesn't make my children's life better, or help them with their school work or get them to choir practice.  Me writing a blog doesn't get dinner cooked or the house cleaned or my studying or work done.  But, its something that I do enjoy, like photography and I find when I do make time for it - its rewarding.....
I think I need to find a place for it in my schedule again.

But quietly at first.....I don't plan on announcing anything......I'm not quite ready for anyone to start reading it again yet.

To catch you up on a few things since my last post, which was May 2013! I see that a few things have happened in my life since then.

A year after getting my insurance license, I went into my boss's office to tell him I wanted to take on some more challenges and maybe reach some new heights in my career.....I'm bad for staying in a safe zone and really not stretching myself - feel of failure I guess - but I felt really ready.....he told me he was selling the company!  So when the new owners came in to meet with us - I saw it as an opportunity and sold myself to them as someone worthy of a promotion.  As a result - I wound up in a great position with them, with more money and the possibilities are amazing.  I have my own private office and lots of leadership opportunities.  I was just talking to my new boss the other day.  She said that there are lots of high level leadership roles coming up that she thinks I would be good for and I told her to groom me for whatever she thinks I will be the best fit doing.  Its scary too - there is a big risk of falling on my ass, but then there is this possibility that I will do just fine - even great.  So there is that.

Dexter (who it turns out didn't like being called that) and I split up recently.  It was him who finally pulled the plug on us, It was super sketchy, and I'm pretty sure he had met someone else.....and when he said the words - I'm sorry, I know this sounds terrible.....but it was just such a relief for me.  I don't think my heart had ever really been in it....I had tried, but the casual nature we started from, was always where I wanted to keep it and despite his efforts to move it forward, it was just never going to happen on my part.  There were just too many things about him that didn't fit with what my picture was....not that he was particularly flawed, he just wasn't what I wanted for a partnership.  I feel bad that I wasted so many years of his life on my own selfish desire for a temporary playmate while I raised my kids.....someone that would always be on the fringes of my life and never in it.  But I also never promised him anything more.  I offered to try with baby steps, but the more I tried, the more I felt smothered and unhappy.

I had no intention of blending families or getting married or living with someone during the years my kids were growing.  He was always polite to my kids and that was appreciated....but I never really allowed him to be a part of their lives because inside I knew he wasn't going to around forever....I wish him well in his journey and I apologize if I took up too much of his time, when he could have been looking for someone that was right for him....I don't blame him a bit for finally moving on...I'm content with letting him think he left me heartbroken and abandoned....I think he kind of needed that...so I hope he doesn't read this and realize the truth!...but then again, he always said sparing someone's feelings by not telling the truth did that person a disservice...I just don't see what good it would do him to know......I don't feel anything bad towards him, nor do I really feel anything mushy and good either really.....just kind of indifferent to the whole thing.....which should have been a hint eh?.........life always provides opportunities for lessons and the lesson I take is that when it isn't right....don't waste your time or someone else's time trying to make it right.

On another, completely unrelated note: I just had my bathrooms renovated - a very expensive project that I feel good about now that its done...but wow was it hard to spend the money!  My en suite is now decadent and luxurious....if I had room I'd put in a couch and reading lamp and spend all my time in there.

We had to put our lovely pooch Bentley down - he was ancient and full of cancer - poor dear.  He was such a beautiful soul and is missed by us all.  I had the privilege of laying next to him with my face against his face as he took his last breath.....it made me even more determined that euthanasia needs to be a human right too.....but that is for another blog post....

I bought myself my first ever brand new car last year.....its a Jetta and the greatest car I've ever driven....although I got a crack in my windshield this winter which makes me mad!....its great though, and I love the leather interior (although a little hot on the bum in summer)...black is hard to keep clean just like everyone warned me....but it just looks so damn good when it is clean.

My kids continue to be wonderful....now 15 and 17. They also continue to drive me crazy with their laziness and uncleanliness....but meh....they are worth it.

There has been some vacations in there, and some other life stuff happenings, but nothing earth shattering or note worthy I can think of right now.

I think I have lots of things to write about.....there are things percolating as I type...stay tuned to see if I do it or not!